Forgiveness: 36 Years Worth

Happy Birthday to me!! I am so blessed to celebrate another year of life. As I celebrate my 37th year on this earth, I can’t help but look back on my first 36 years. My gift to myself is, RELEASE. I don’t often open up about my childhood, I especially never thought I would blog about it, because it was very painful. However, I have learned that in order to grow, you must look back, forgive, let go, and move forward.

I thought that I had let go of what happened to me a long time ago. I realized that I didn’t, because I had not forgiven those who did it to me. I don’t want to carry these pains anymore. Well, in my 36th year on this earth, I finally forgave the ones who robbed me of my childhood innocence.

I forgive the stranger who thought that a seven year old girl was a great target, and tried to rape her on her way home. I forgive my Godmother’s adult daughter for abusing me out of jealousy and putting scars on me that will make it hard to forget, because she could not stand how much her mom could love a little girl whom was not her own. I forgive my godmother’s husband who found it appropriate to sneak into the bed of a child and molest her. I forgive all the adults who knew what was happening, but did nothing but look at me with shame. I forgive the son of my mom’s best friend who tried to rape a 13 year old girl, whom had already been through so much already.

Most of all, I forgive my mom for never letting go of her abusive past, and taking it out on me, because I was born from rape, and looking at me was a constant reminder of that. I know that you love me mom, but the pain was so deep, that you couldn’t forget it. I know that pain, because I went through it too. I am sorry for the reminder that I was of that painful day in your life, when the man you trusted, broke that trust in the worst way. I am so glad that in my 36th year, we both found peace, and finally forged the relationship with each other, that we both deserve.

I know that some may think that this is dark for a birthday post, but this is my truth, and I wanted to RELEASE it all before I celebrated another year. Also, my spiritual counselor has told me for years that sharing my story may be a blessing to someone else who may be living their truth in silence as well.

So to all who know the truth, let’s celebrate letting go.

I am so thankful for the good childhood memories that has allowed me to remember that though we may go through times of struggles, there are reasons to smile and be grateful.

I am grateful for my sisters who gave me their blessings and pushed me to release, when I told them what I was going to write about. I am thankful to my dad, who stepped in and loved me as his own. He showed me the qualities of a great man and father. I am thankful for my husband and kids whom are a constant reminder of God’s love for me, and a reminder of what true unconditional love looks and feels like. I am so thankful for this gift of sewing that God has blessed me with, that has given me a place of peace to go to and Express myself creatively. I am thankful that this past year I was able to meet some wonderful people in the sewing community whom has strengthened my hope and belief in human goodness.

The few times I have shared me story, people always ask me the same question. “How did you make it through all of that. How do you smile so much after all you’ve been through.?” My answer is always the same. “God helped me through by placing the right people around me in the right season, and I am a strong willed individual, who will never let circumstances keep me from the life I desired.”

Today is my birthday you guys, and I am moving forward, and believing that my best life is ahead of me. This dress that I created for myself means a lot, because I created it with love, hard work, and determination. I chose blue not because it’s my favorite color, but also because it is known to be a peaceful and tranquil color. I am at peace in my life. My past will never be forgotten, but it has been forgiven.

Thank you guys for sharing in this moment with me by reading my blog post. It was most personal and most difficult post, but I am so glad that I wrote it. I don’t know who you are, but someone was supposed to read it today. I pray it helps you in the way you need it most.