Forgiveness: 36 Years Worth

Happy Birthday to me!! I am so blessed to celebrate another year of life. As I celebrate my 37th year on this earth, I can’t help but look back on my first 36 years. My gift to myself is, RELEASE. I don’t often open up about my childhood, I especially never thought I would blog about it, because it was very painful. However, I have learned that in order to grow, you must look back, forgive, let go, and move forward.

I thought that I had let go of what happened to me a long time ago. I realized that I didn’t, because I had not forgiven those who did it to me. I don’t want to carry these pains anymore. Well, in my 36th year on this earth, I finally forgave the ones who robbed me of my childhood innocence.

I forgive the stranger who thought that a seven year old girl was a great target, and tried to rape her on her way home. I forgive my Godmother’s adult daughter for abusing me out of jealousy and putting scars on me that will make it hard to forget, because she could not stand how much her mom could love a little girl whom was not her own. I forgive my godmother’s husband who found it appropriate to sneak into the bed of a child and molest her. I forgive all the adults who knew what was happening, but did nothing but look at me with shame. I forgive the son of my mom’s best friend who tried to rape a 13 year old girl, whom had already been through so much already.

Most of all, I forgive my mom for never letting go of her abusive past, and taking it out on me, because I was born from rape, and looking at me was a constant reminder of that. I know that you love me mom, but the pain was so deep, that you couldn’t forget it. I know that pain, because I went through it too. I am sorry for the reminder that I was of that painful day in your life, when the man you trusted, broke that trust in the worst way. I am so glad that in my 36th year, we both found peace, and finally forged the relationship with each other, that we both deserve.

I know that some may think that this is dark for a birthday post, but this is my truth, and I wanted to RELEASE it all before I celebrated another year. Also, my spiritual counselor has told me for years that sharing my story may be a blessing to someone else who may be living their truth in silence as well.

So to all who know the truth, let’s celebrate letting go.

I am so thankful for the good childhood memories that has allowed me to remember that though we may go through times of struggles, there are reasons to smile and be grateful.

I am grateful for my sisters who gave me their blessings and pushed me to release, when I told them what I was going to write about. I am thankful to my dad, who stepped in and loved me as his own. He showed me the qualities of a great man and father. I am thankful for my husband and kids whom are a constant reminder of God’s love for me, and a reminder of what true unconditional love looks and feels like. I am so thankful for this gift of sewing that God has blessed me with, that has given me a place of peace to go to and Express myself creatively. I am thankful that this past year I was able to meet some wonderful people in the sewing community whom has strengthened my hope and belief in human goodness.

Me at 8 years old
My 9th birthday
My sisters and I Christmas 1991
My skinny self at the beach (9 years old)
I thought I was so fashionable as a teen 😂😂
I was always following my sister Simone around, she never knew it then, but I looked up to her. She was my hero.
My high school graduation
My beautiful and stylish mom in the 80s
Me at my senior prom
I was 19 in this photo
I was 21 in this pic
Me and my military battles
My mentor and my best friend
The love of my life on our wedding day.
The man who may not be my bio dad, but he stepped up and was the father I needed in my life. I will always be grateful to you Dad. I love you.
I love you mom. You sacrificed so much for us, and you loved us the best way you knew how.
Me and my daughter. My first born.
Me and my son, my little superhero.
I made it through so that I could be what I needed to be for them.

The few times I have shared me story, people always ask me the same question. “How did you make it through all of that. How do you smile so much after all you’ve been through.?” My answer is always the same. “God helped me through by placing the right people around me in the right season, and I am a strong willed individual, who will never let circumstances keep me from the life I desired.”

Today is my birthday you guys, and I am moving forward, and believing that my best life is ahead of me. This dress that I created for myself means a lot, because I created it with love, hard work, and determination. I chose blue not because it’s my favorite color, but also because it is known to be a peaceful and tranquil color. I am at peace in my life. My past will never be forgotten, but it has been forgiven.

I am a true virgo.
Thank you Lord for another year
These hands have created so much goodness, they should never be used to tear down nor destroy.
Happy Birthday lady!! Live, love, and laugh. You deserve it.
Turning my back on the past, my future is now my only concern

Thank you guys for sharing in this moment with me by reading my blog post. It was most personal and most difficult post, but I am so glad that I wrote it. I don’t know who you are, but someone was supposed to read it today. I pray it helps you in the way you need it most.

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8 Comments

  1. This was so powerful and moving! Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your truth. I can relate all too well to the abusive sexual childhood trauma. I am so grateful that God has been a healer for both of us! Happy birthday and God bless!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. First let me say that your birthday dress is beautiful! Your family is beautiful! I’m so that you decided to release and share this information with us because I’m sure you have given someone else the courage to share their story. You are a blessing to us all and I’m so honored to call you friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. Also for being able to move on as so many people want to but are not strong enough. You are a beautiful person both inside and out! You did an amazing job on your dress. Absolutely stunning!

    Liked by 1 person

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